"What would be the title of your autobiography?" 

The question sent my mind spinning.  I had never been asked that.  To add pressure to the moment, I was sitting with over a dozen pastors of whom I had the least amount of experience.  

They all had incredible answers. I would read their books. But what would the title of mine be?  Through the chaos of my mind, I asked God, "Ok, God.  Any ideas?" And almost instantly I felt like God gave me the title, "Out of the Shadows." 

​I waited for something better.
It didn't come.
So I asked, "OK, what does that mean?".​

I began to think back through the times in life that I felt unseen and overlooked.  I had great parents and a great family.  
There was nothing they did to make me feel overshadowed and nothing they could have done to prevent it.  
It was simply the way the enemy works.  
He whispers lies.  He creates internal chaos with comparison.  He attacks our minds any way he can to cause us to doubt our value, worth, and God given ability.  He takes every disappointment and favorable situation and uses them as weapons against who God made us to be.  His greatest desire is to keep us from our greatest and most satisfying purpose - to bring glory to God.  

But shadows aren't all that bad.  On a hot day, a shadow and give respite from the sun.  There are many vegetables and flowers that only grow in the shade.  The shadow of a roof or awning provides protection from the elements.  
I was reminded of Psalm 91:1-2 that says:​

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.

Maybe it is in the shadows that God prepares us and protects us. It is from the shadows that God calls us to be who he calls us to be and to be content in living the in shadow of the Almighty.  

I'd rather live in the shadow, then suffer in the sun. 

I don't need to be known by others, because I am known by the one who gives me worth and value.

​I don't seen.  I need others to see Jesus in me. 

I was flipping through the list of recorded Live PD shows on our DVR, when Julie walked in and put a gift bag in a my lap.  I instantly knew what it was.  On the Thursday prior, I had a random thought of, "What if, with all our family in town, Julie announced she was pregnant." I had dismissed the idea, because I felt like she would have told me before she told them.  But she was indeed pregnant.  I was so excited.

Without going into a lot of detail, we have had multiple doctors tell us that we "couldn't" have any more children, and that they were surprised we had two.  So finding out that we were pregnant was a miracle.  I was so excited and wanted to tell everyone, but I couldn't because Julie wanted to wait until we were further along which was understandable. 

Heading into June, our lives were busy mostly because as a student pastor, summers are one of the busiest times. While other people are slowing down, we are ramping up for camps and other student trips.  Julie wanted to get a sonogram before I left for Middle School Camp to see if we could see a heartbeat yet, but we were just a little early.  So we scheduled another visit for the week after Middle School Camp, feeling pretty confident that we would see a heartbeat then.

Camp was great, but exhausting.  People who have never done student ministry think that camp is all fun.  It is fun, but probably one of the most exhausting weeks of the year. You don't sleep much and spend the time you are awake running around with students having fun while pouring into them spiritually, managing conflicts, investing in leaders, building friendships, and always preparing for the next thing on the schedule.  It's one of my favorite weeks because of the way God moves in lives, but a week that wears me out. 

After returning home from camp, I was ready to see my family again and just crash, which is pretty much what I did.  On Saturday night, Julie started cramping a little and spotting a little, but it wasn't too bad.  The same thing had happened with Barrett.  I was tired, so I was in bed and just told her that we would pray and trust God to take care of the baby.

The next day, Julie stayed home from church because she was still spotting and cramping and really beginning to feel bad.  I took the boys to church.  We had a "guys day" lunch.  We got home and Julie said she wasn't spotting as bad.  I continued to pray, and took a nap.

When I woke up from my post camp hibernation nap, I vegged with the boys watching some American ninja warrior until it was almost time for dinner.  About that time, Julie came from our room with tears in her eyes telling me that the spotting was back and it was worse than before.  Her cramps had also worsened.  We prayed.  I told her to go rest and I would take care of the boys.  

As we were pulling out of the drive to go eat, my mind in constant prayer, a song came on the radio.  I had heard it before, and it was familiar because it was a song that was tied to one of my favorite passages in scripture.  

"They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad..."

​My heart was pounding, eyes welling with tears, as I listened and thought, "God I really don't want to have to walk through this kind of pain right now.  I'm tired - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I feel like I have been giving it all I've got. I really need you to come through.  About that time, the chorus began.

"I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone"

In that moment, I felt like God was telling me,  "Trust me.  I haven't forgotten you.  I know your pain. I know what is going on, but I am with you, I am for you and I am in you.  Even if I don't come through the way you want me to, will you still serve me."  With tears in my eyes, I knew the answer for me was yes.  So often we want to have "strong" faith so we can control God when in reality, strong faith comes when trust God with what we can't control. 

In the early Monday morning hours, the baby God had given us went to heaven.  We went to the scheduled Dr. appointment Monday morning that was originally scheduled as a ultrasound in hopes to see the heartbeat.  There was still part of us that hoped to see a heartbeat, but we knew it would probably only confirm our fear.  And it did. 

We went home and broke the news to our boys.  Trying to be gentle with the news, I told the boys that God took the baby to heaven because the baby had stopped growing.  However, our 7 year old is incredibly smart and asked a difficult question. "Why did God kill the baby?" I told him that God didn't kill the baby.  He responded, "Well if God is the one who makes the baby grow, why didn't he keep making it grow?"  Great question. A question I don't have an answer to that would satisfy the pain at the time. 

I did my best to explain that ever since people chose to sin, that the world doesn't work the way God originally designed it.  Sin had broken what God had made and that the good news is that Jesus came to fix what is broken and one day we won't have to experience any more pain or sorrow. I don't know if it made sense to a 5 and 7 year old or the answer I gave them was so long they got bored, but it was enough of an answer for them to let it go.

We spent the rest of the day playing outside while mom rested.  After I got the boys in bed, I saw a text from a friend that said, "I'm sorry for your loss bro. I'm praying for you guys. I heard this song and thought of you," then he pasted a link to the song.  There it was again.  

"I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone"

I cried. I prayed. I went to bed. 

Tuesday I went to work.  Work was a welcomed distraction.  We were days away from going to HS camp a there was still stuff to be done before I left. I had a message I had to finish, so I was busy working on that.  I called Julie to check on her, and she was telling me how her time with God had encouraged her, then she said, "I heard a song today that I feel like God was speaking to me through. Have you heard 'Even If' by Mercy Me?"  I told her I had and that I had heard that song on Sunday afternoon.  

I know that God is able to do anything and that he can keep us from pain, but it is often when we want God to save us from something that his plan is walk with us through something.  Faith isn't tested under sunny skies, but in the storm.  While I wanted God to save the baby and let us have the baby, he didn't.  He could have, but he didn't. 

In my flesh I didn't understand, but in faith, I chose to trust God.  One of the wisest men in scripture wrote, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding."  (Prov. 3:5)  Faith is choosing to trust God with the things you don't understand.  Faith is believing that God is able and can, but choosing to say, "Even if he doesn't, my hope is Him alone."

I look forward to the day I see Jesus face to face, and get to meet "Hope" for the first time.